They Run

           My husband, kids, they also lost my son, and additionally, they lost me. I didn’t know it was happening, I didn’t see it in time. My grief had consumed me, and my relationships with it. At first I was angry, how can they leave me when all I am is sad? How dare they leave me because my heart is broken! 

           After calming myself, I realized my world had started to revolve around my grief, that I had been so immersed in my grief that I had been giving all my energy to it, and not to my family that was here. I’m sure they felt unloved. I’m sure they were angry, and lost. I was losing the people that I loved the most. I’m angry for slipping so far from myself. It’s a hard journey back, and I may have already lost, but I will not give up, one way or another I need to find me, before they run, before I can’t find my way back. 

        

Sometimes, you don’t cry

After losing a child, or when having PTSD, we tend to cry often. Small things may trigger a thought, a memory, or a feeling that has emotions tied to it so strong, all you feel is sadness. But sometimes, you don’t cry. 

       I cried, alot. I thought I would never stop crying. Then my tears turned into something else. Negativity, bad moods, silence, and just plain old anger. It didn’t go unnoticed, but very hard to stop. You can feel yourself doing it,  but can’t make it stop, just like the tears. Surprise, it’s a new way to grieve. Once you realize that, it only makes you angrier. I cried all the time, and then I stopped. I thought I was making progress, healing. Then came the anger, and just like that, I felt like I was at step one. I’m angry.  I’m angry that I lost my son, Im angry that he would be so careless with his life, I’m angry that it has affected my family both with his loss and with losing me in the process. I’m furious that I lost myself, and the person I used to be. 

              It’s the hardest road back, and you walk it alone.