Sunday, January 19, 2020

Overreaction? Check yourself

One thing I learned after losing my son to drugs, was that everything became a threat to your children. Kids try stuff. We know this, even as much as we beg them not too, or how wonderful a kid they are. Cigarettes, vape, drinking, are all examples of things that rarely escape experimentation with teens. Most parents will sit their child down, explain the dangers and why they do not condone this behavior. Parents that have experienced loss, see a potential threat to your child that could cost the ultimate price. We see cigarettes or vape and drinking as gateways to bigger and more dangerous drugs, and we will stop this from happening! We choose penalties that outweigh the crime significantly,  and essentially make our kids afraid to talk to us. Of course,  this is not what we wanted.  We wanted to rip that from their life in a way that would prevent them from ever trying anything again! They get in that car with someone drunk, rather than call you for help. 
 This is not what we wanted. We wanted to protect you from harm. Stop a potential habit immediately, rather than watching it rip your child from you. You see drugs,  you see your child laying lifeless. 
      A lesson I have tried to teach myself, more than once. Not everything,  is worth this reaction.  A once tried cigarette,  or a vape in a school bathroom, are not likely going to take your child from you. Massive overreactions will not open up communications between you and your child. Before you say anything, as yourself, would I be this scared if I hadn't lost a child? Keep those lines open. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Please don't Run

Today, my husband ran down the stairs with the phone.
It doesnt seem like that big of a deal, right?
If it were any other person, and their husband was running the phone down to them, they wouldn't think much of it. Hes just bringing down my phone to me, because I have a phone call.
Not me. When I heard the phone ring, and my husband run, my first thoughts went to catastrophic places. Which child !? Which family member?!  Who died!?
I nearly fell to my knees and the breath was just taken, from my chest.
All because a phone rang.
PTSD, and other panic causing mental illness is a certain after losing your child.  Anything that brings back any memories of that time, when seemingly out of place, will create the panic you felt that day. For me, it was a phone call. It could be any matter of things for someone else.
Knowing what may be coming, or what can take place before it's you, is a great way to strategize how you are going to handle when those things happen. Coping skills,  and talking to loved ones about triggers are all great ways to combat this fear. 
All I could really think of was to say, "stop running." I said it with the only breath i had in my lungs. "Please, just don't run."

My Purpose

After the loss of my son, I was trapped. I was trapped under a smoldering pile of ash that at one point was my family as a whole. When we lost a member, it felt as if the whole thing burned, like it couldn't exist with one, and burned itself to the ground. They are all here, but yet, It felt a way I could not fathom.
I laid under that pile of pain, anger, sorrow for a long time, as if the absence of pain meant I had stopped missing him, or loving him. In that pile of ash and sorrow, I had to find a purpose. A reason to rise in a world without my precious gift to it.
Of course my biggest reason is to return as a mother to my children, who needed me as they grieved. I cant say I was the best at this, but I tried. I returned to being a wife to my loving husband that was burning a candle at both ends to care for us all. Again, I'm not sure how well..but i tried.
After I had stepped out of the coals, I realized not long after, that I was not a party of one. That others like me were feeling what I feel, and they too needed to come from the ashes. I had to find a way to ease my pain, and one that would make my son feel proud. My beautiful, loving son, that had left me there in the ash.
I choose to help others from the ashes. I can only hope that I may help. I write in Hope's they reach someone that needs to hear these words. Its my purpose