All things go tragic

So today I experienced one of many normal things that go tragic in my mind. I envy the mothers that have never experienced this pain. They can leave normal lives and have everyday experiences without panicking and worrying that something tragic is about to happen.  For instance, today, my son messages me out of the blue and says, "I love you". Awesome right?? Most moms just about cry when they get this, especially from a 19 year old. As much as I wanted to cry because I love hearing that so much, I went into shear panic. Why did he say that out of the blue!? Is something wrong!? Did he want to tell me that before he goes ?? 

     BEFORE HE GOES !? 

What was a beautiful message that should make me feel awesome, turned into the last message I may ever get. I had to call him so I could hear his voice and know everything is ok. Only after the panic subsides, do I get to feel special that he thought to message me out of the blue. 

   Only moms that have had "the last words" would feel this panic. Only those that have their minds go to the worst places in their minds, dark places, would panic everytime the phone rings, or anytime an unexpected (yet really nice) message is sent. I envy those that can just enjoy it. I'll never be that Mom again.