When the "new ones" come.

I have heard of two local women in my community that have joined our "club that no one wants to join". Alot of people think, "oh...this must be so hard for you, drudging up old pain".  Its not "old pain" that surfaces, because that pain is always there, never old, and bubbling under the surface. It's not dredging up anything, because it never went away.
 What is, happening, is that we are suddenly feeling an intense and powerful familiarity.  We feel an empathy that no other can feel. We know right where she is.  We know the thoughts,  the desires to free yourself of the pain.  The moments so surreal that if it wasn't the planning, the visitors,  the service.. you would think this was just a horrible nightmare you can wake from with relief.  The surges of agony,  when you realize you wont. 
I don't mean to leave out the fathers,  who feel the pain as well.  I just do not know their perspective,  but I feel sadness for them as well. 
It's not dredging up feelings,  it's empathy for those just starting this life. I reach out immediately,  knowing she won't respond until she needs me, until she's ready.  I just have to let her know,  she's not alone.  We are mothers to angels. 

Dont change your "name"

I think it is easy, when you lose a child, to then identify yourself as a mom who lost a child. You no longer identify as aidens mom, or Brices mom, but as the mother of a passed on child. A mourning mom, a broken mom. You are all those things. Your still a mom no matter where they are, and by only identifying yourself as a mom of an angel, your immediately withdrawing from being a mom to anyone else. Your still a mom, to them all.

Trying to make him proud

This month I begin speaking at schools,  and every other venue that will take me.  I want as many people as possible to hear my son's story.  Is this going to be hard? Absolutely. I know I may cry, and I know that I will face people with strong opinions,  opposite of mine,  and yet, I'll still be there,  in hopes to reach just one. Spare just one parent,  one brother, sister,  one grandmother, spare anyone the pain my family and I have endured.  I'm in hopes that someday,  when someone finds themselves in a situation,  that Austin's name will make them take pause.  One person, and then this speach will all be worth it. Im teaching them Austin,  you would be proud.

All things go tragic

So today I experienced one of many normal things that go tragic in my mind. I envy the mothers that have never experienced this pain. They can leave normal lives and have everyday experiences without panicking and worrying that something tragic is about to happen.  For instance, today, my son messages me out of the blue and says, "I love you". Awesome right?? Most moms just about cry when they get this, especially from a 19 year old. As much as I wanted to cry because I love hearing that so much, I went into shear panic. Why did he say that out of the blue!? Is something wrong!? Did he want to tell me that before he goes ?? 

     BEFORE HE GOES !? 

What was a beautiful message that should make me feel awesome, turned into the last message I may ever get. I had to call him so I could hear his voice and know everything is ok. Only after the panic subsides, do I get to feel special that he thought to message me out of the blue. 

   Only moms that have had "the last words" would feel this panic. Only those that have their minds go to the worst places in their minds, dark places, would panic everytime the phone rings, or anytime an unexpected (yet really nice) message is sent. I envy those that can just enjoy it. I'll never be that Mom again. 

For Cindy

For Cindy

Lord, turn me to a raven
Flying high above the earth
Ignorance of youthfulness
Innocence of birth.

Lord,  turn me to a raven
Dreams as large as life
How easy to keep his head up
Flying amidst the light.

Lord, turn me to a raven
Not a sparrow or a dove
The raven feels the envy
For he's not a bird of love.

Lord, turn me to a raven
The days grow dark and long
The raven grows his anger
For hes not a bird of song.

Lord,  turn me to a raven
Wings blue black of steel
Passion fierce as fire
Wounds that never heal.

Lord, turn me to a raven
With wisdom you could meet
For when his wings grow weary
He must learn to trust his feet.

And when death comes to call you
With promise of safe haven
Make my earthly body black
Lord, turn me to a raven

Love you, 
JDeans2017

Sometimes you need a scare

Ok friends, I'm going to get personal for a bit. I feel that there are plenty of others that feel the way I have,  and that this story may help them.  If it does,  than its worth it. 
A couple of weeks ago,  my appendix blew... told in the e.r. that i needed surgery.  In a few short moments,  I was on my way in. The next thing I remember is Brooks voice,  because he's always what I hear first.  I thought I heard something bad,  but later,  I thought it was just the anesthesia and tried to forget it.  When the doctor came to see me the next day,  he pointed out a mass he removed,  and told me it was probably just tissue. What he had said to Brooks the day before,  was that he did not like what it looked like,  and it was attached to my colon as well. He told my husband,  my colon may need to be removed as he feared cancer.  My husband described it as surreal,  and then a flood of emotions he couldn't control.  He was sworn to secrecy,  so that I could heal.  In the coming days,  his behavior led me to believe that I had not imagined what I heard.  I may have cancer.  A very bad,  scary cancer. 
This is where I may help someone like me. 
Since I've lost my son Austin,  a part of me left with him.  I truly had one foot in the grave since he left.  I was okay with dying.  I might see him again.
I was faced with that as a possible reality,  and all I could think of is, God.. please don't do this to my kids.  They can't do this again.  They have had to much loss.
I knew at that moment,  that he will be there for me,  when its MY TIME.  I'm not all here,  if part of me is there. After being faced with that,  I knew that being here with our family did not mean I love him less.
After 5 days of waiting,  the call came in. No cancer.
I'll see you later Austin♡ mom loves you♡ I'll see you when I'm done here♡

Being present

I'm speaking to those that have lost a child. It's a loss like no other, it takes a part of you with them, and it's a loss that periodically starts the grieving process over and over again. It's no doubt, the absolute biggest pain and mental struggle that will be faced in a persons life. Others are aware, but they do not understand. However, those that are still there, in your everyday life, are likely to be living in a constant memorium of your child. Its unintentional. It's your way of keeping them "present" in the family. You couldn't bare for anyone to forget him, or worse for you to forget things. After all, that's all you have left of them. But hear me when I say, that eventually your other children, will look at you and say, "I AM here." I NEED my whole Mom, i NEED my whole Dad. It will rock you to the core, thinking you hadn't been providing that. I recently felt this, and realized that I do not need to speak of him every day to "keep him alive". They loved him too. They miss him too. And they need you.

 BE present.